2d10 Psychic Damge
Jun. 15th, 2024 03:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ghoulmouseYou ever read a sex scene that's so bad it causes you actual psychological problems?
I'm exaggerating a little, but on the other hand I'm not. I won't name names or titles, but I started working on editing my first webnovel/light novel/etc that has explicit content in it (I've done explicit manga before, this is my first prose project though).
And god, is it ever bad.
I was in the middle of slogging through absolutely the worst sex scene I've ever read -- not just "worst in a published book" but I think worst I've read ever in my whole life -- and I just got like...overwhelmed? By the fact that this sucked SO BAD and multiple parties paid money to publish this in two different languages and now someone was paying ME money to try to make it as readable as possible (a tall order let me fucking tell you). And I think this must have set off some kind of chain reaction in my brain because I spent the next week or so just catastrophically depressed and stewing over my own failure to accomplish...well, much of anything, really.
With a little more perspective I can say that there are actually things I'm EXTREMELY proud of (hell, I was the editor on a manga that won an Eisner for best foreign language adaptation), but there's still... I dunno.
I guess 20 years ago...30 years ago...I thought I'd have done more by now. In particular, I thought I'd have some kind of big artistic project, a book or a comic or video game or I dunno, depends on when you asked me.
Here I was polishing up the most bottom-of-the-barrel shit I'd ever seen and I couldn't stop thinking, man...even the bottom of the barrel is still IN the barrel, you know? What am I missing that the author of this nonsense has? Is it persistence? Dedication? Work ethic? Do I just not CARE as much as he did? Clearly it's not TALENT that's the problem and that honestly makes it worse. Talent is neutral; what I've got is a failure of personality, clearly.
I've been trying to channel this into something a little more productive, maybe try writing something I can throw up on Amazon/Smashwords because if this can make its creator a bit of money then goddammit I can do better, right? But I dunno. It's hard to face up to another goal I might very well fumble yet again.
Guess we'll see how things go.
Anyway, that's the story of how I had an existential breakdown over anime boobs. Thank you, good night.
I'm exaggerating a little, but on the other hand I'm not. I won't name names or titles, but I started working on editing my first webnovel/light novel/etc that has explicit content in it (I've done explicit manga before, this is my first prose project though).
And god, is it ever bad.
I was in the middle of slogging through absolutely the worst sex scene I've ever read -- not just "worst in a published book" but I think worst I've read ever in my whole life -- and I just got like...overwhelmed? By the fact that this sucked SO BAD and multiple parties paid money to publish this in two different languages and now someone was paying ME money to try to make it as readable as possible (a tall order let me fucking tell you). And I think this must have set off some kind of chain reaction in my brain because I spent the next week or so just catastrophically depressed and stewing over my own failure to accomplish...well, much of anything, really.
With a little more perspective I can say that there are actually things I'm EXTREMELY proud of (hell, I was the editor on a manga that won an Eisner for best foreign language adaptation), but there's still... I dunno.
I guess 20 years ago...30 years ago...I thought I'd have done more by now. In particular, I thought I'd have some kind of big artistic project, a book or a comic or video game or I dunno, depends on when you asked me.
Here I was polishing up the most bottom-of-the-barrel shit I'd ever seen and I couldn't stop thinking, man...even the bottom of the barrel is still IN the barrel, you know? What am I missing that the author of this nonsense has? Is it persistence? Dedication? Work ethic? Do I just not CARE as much as he did? Clearly it's not TALENT that's the problem and that honestly makes it worse. Talent is neutral; what I've got is a failure of personality, clearly.
I've been trying to channel this into something a little more productive, maybe try writing something I can throw up on Amazon/Smashwords because if this can make its creator a bit of money then goddammit I can do better, right? But I dunno. It's hard to face up to another goal I might very well fumble yet again.
Guess we'll see how things go.
Anyway, that's the story of how I had an existential breakdown over anime boobs. Thank you, good night.
(no subject)
Date: 2024-06-15 08:40 pm (UTC)There are certainly ones I regret reading/seeing, so... yes?
I read a book a few years ago - a typical teenage romance book. It was... adequate enough that I finished the book, but after, I said to myself, "I could have written something better." Whether or not that is actually true, I don't know, but I did wonder why this adequate book was published. (Turns out it was from a fairly well-known author, but I hadn't recognized her name. Oops.)
I have also experienced depression at times because, well, when I was a kid I wanted to be a novelist, and now not only do a rarely write fiction but I also rarely read fiction these days, and that's disheartening. What happened to that girl with the dreams of entertaining others with her stories? It took YEARS to shift my brain, but I eventually realized this: I am, at heart, a creative person who needs to be doing creative things, but that doesn't necessarily mean story telling. It can be journal writing, or crafting. What really matters to me is that I am touching the lives of others with what I *do* write and make, and that's been enough.
I hope you find something in your life that satisfies your existential needs!
Oh boy, IT SURE IS. A large reason why I'm scared of working again is I'm afraid it will just all go to pieces. It still is very hard for me to envision a future where I'm happily working productively. But I'm going to try, partially because I have no choice right now, but also because I *can* sort of envision myself in my own place again, with my own kitty. I want that future enough to put in the work.
But... I know for me at least, my life has become very Small because I don't do much other than play video games and craft. I would like a bigger, more interesting life! And that does mean taking chances, and risking that I might fumble again. It's scary. But I think it's worth doing.
Is there something you can practice on where it's "safe" to fumble? For me, it's my crafts, because it's just yarn and if it comes out bad, I just pull it out and redo it. Maybe it could be a habit such as taking a walk daily, and giving yourself grace if you miss a day. Because you DON'T have to do things "perfectly". I think every single craft of mine has a mistake in it SOMEWHERE, and yet the final results are pleasing to many people - I've literally had people jaw drop and exclaim, "YOU MADE THAT?!" and another person bowed down to me when I said yeah, I made this amigurumi I'm holding.
I think I've rambled enough, haha. I'm cheering for you! I hope you can get past this funk!
(no subject)
Date: 2024-06-16 10:17 am (UTC)Yeah...IDK I get what you're saying and I feel the exact same way about a lot of stuff. I also want a better future and a more interesting life but I feel like so much of that has passed me by. IDK it's terrifying.
I have had some success working on my dolls... I used to get super upset when something didn't turn out right the first time, so I kind of dropped the hobby for a while, but I somehow got invested enough in making the Saya no Uta doll that I powered through and ended up redoing her faceup once and her hair twice until I was actually somewhat satisfied. There are some things I think I could have done better, I had planned to add some other features that I never got around to, and yeah it was frustrating to have to wipe away the face or tear out the hair and start again, but...I am really glad I did it, and ultimately the stuff I messed up wasn't the end of the project, much less the end of the world.
It's really hard to apply that logic to other areas of my life, lol, but I'm trying I guess.